I often screw up the moments I decide to write… There are many nights and days that I “decide” to put down my words on a blank page or on a piece of paper, but that’s exactly when the deleting action takes place… I write and then delete… I delete and delete… or rip the paper into a million pieces… There are also times when I’m almost too selfish to share my mind with anyone in the whole universe… even with you whom I always trust… So instead I obliterate the words inside my own self!

My words come on a piece of paper when there is no other way to express them… or when I’m inspired by a tiny little thing in my surroundings… by the smoke in the fresh air passing by and never coming back until the next inhale… by the smell of a fresh coffee at my favorite café on the corner… by the smile of the old guy who sells me the same cup of coffee every single morning… by an old lady climbing up the stairways and the sound of her breathing in and out… or by the beauty of the red rose on her green hat… by the Champaign bubbles dancing around… by the ticking of a clock which reminds me of this present moment… tick tock… tick tock… by a line of a song which is on repeat mode inside my frozen ears… by dreadful mistakes or by heartbreaking experiences in my, yours and others’ lives… by a shitty day which can easily makes you sick inside and cause ache in your heart… or by the times I want to retreat from the world…

And there are times like today that writing helps me get my focus back on conversations and improve my feelings towards others…

S

Now, only this and the fact that I’m still safe and employed could put a major smile upon my face today…

“I like coffee so much that I have tea for breakfast: The first cup of the day in particular is so good that I’m afraid I won’t be able to properly appreciate it when I am half-asleep. Therefore, I celebrate it two hours later when I am fully conscious.”

By Christoph Niemann – The New York Times

“I peel a pomegranate and say to myself; Weren’t it good if one could see, the seeds of people hearts; Tears come when the juice splashes in my eyes.”

— Sohrab Sepehri

Last night I was awake through the orange light blinking… Each blink brought me memories of the days that clouds were so far away… both flattering and disturbing moments… reminded me of the city of the lovers and the adventurers… the times of she loving him and he loving her back… and then all started fading out…

The last blink, just before I fell asleep, took me on a journey… to the “meaning” of my future and the eternal happiness that is everyone’s dream… and not even a second later, my own dream started to take place… one that was vague but still vivid to leave my brain at rest and free from all the scars… free from the fake idealistic visions in life… the kind of dream that makes you soulful inside and gives you the strength to put all those scars in a drawer inside your peaceful mind…

To be continued…

S

“The professional must learn to be moved and touched emotionally, yet at the same time stand back objectively; I’ve seen a lot of damage done by tea and sympathy.”

— Anthony Storr

There were times that every single tear told you a story… The frightening story of losing… There were times that the heart was broken and made you wonder how you could ever live without it broken… There were times that you trampled ethics and wondered if heaven holds the evil ones or the blessed souls… or perhaps both the bad and the good…

There are still times that temptation makes me say what you don’t like to hear… and I’m still wondering if that is wise or not… What if heaven holds the not-so-wise people… What if I don’t want to taste heaven at all… What if heaven exists right inside your broken heart…

What if there is no heaven at all…

S

“We do not really feel grateful toward those who make our dreams come true; they ruin our dreams.”

— Eric Hoffer

Since changing my blog interface a couple of days ago, I seem to have lost some readers… I’m wondering why so many people are sensitive to changes, allergic even… Didn’t they care about what was written or did they just like the way my page looked… I, myself, think change is rejuvenating and refreshes your brain constantly… So, I’m keeping this layout at least for a few months until I change it again… As Rosanne Cash once said: “the key to change is to let go of fear.”

S

The white flakes were all I saw…
at this very dawn.
All scattered in the gray horizon…
free as a graceful swan.

They reminded me of you…
dancing your way down into my heart.
Not as bitter… Not so gloomy…
sinking down in a hopeless ending.

Leaving me in an endless delusion…
in a world full of black and white fantasies.

S

November 6, 2008
Toronto – Chez Roxanne

Call it a tradition or whatever, we often get together on Torontonian fall or winter nights and watch cinema classics, be it black-and-white, francais, etc.

Thursday night wasn’t an exception… Watching “La Vie en Rose“, which was way overdue on my “must-see” movie list, turned out to be a great initiation to our movie nights this year… The story of the legend chanteuse, Édith Piaf… I mean, how can one possibly have such a life full of sorrow and unfortunate incidents and yet remain in love, singing like a bird with no regrets about her past… All I can say was that her voice makes you desperately want to live and experience her era, in Paris in 1940’s, wandering around Montmartre and falling in love… Even if you don’t fully understand what she is trying to tell you in her music, she grasps you with her voice, her strength, her patience…

Marion Cotillard, herself one of my favorite French actresses, made it hard to believe she was merely acting… Her jaw-dropping performance was nothing short of amazing… She was so real… So comfortable… So Édith Piaf…

S